Earliest Recollection
My earliest memory is not a pleasant one. This is not the first time I have been asked this question and I always wish there was something else I could say, but there isn't. My parents got divorced when I was very young. My earliest memory is a time I walked in on an argument right before they separated. I couldn't have been older than three at this time. I remember walking into the kitchen and seeing my parents yelling at each other. As best as I can remember, this argument was about money and bills. I asked for something, but I can't remember exactly what. Maybe a glass of water, or a bowl of cereal... but I remember my parents turning on me. They yelled and told me to "shut up" which was considered a bad word in my house. They said, "Shut up, Stacie! Get out of here!". It wrecked me. I remember being so hurt and so sad that my parents would treat me and each other this way. I ran into the living room crying and sat there until my brother found me. He asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing". He hugged me and said "You wouldn't be crying if nothing was wrong". Then we sat there silently together and waited out the fight. That was a defining moment between me and my brother. It established him as my protector and someone who could provide love and comfort in an unstable time. My brother was my rock and it remained that way well into adulthood.
I believe this memory had a large impact on my childhood and adolescence. I often felt lonely and unloved. I felt insecure. My childhood was a lot of back and forth between each parent's house. My parents continued to fight and my brother and I were often in the middle regarding arguments about child support and which parent was taking better care of us. It was a really rough time for me and also affected my ability to make long lasting friendships. However, the one constant was my brother. He was always there for me when I needed him and he was probably one of the only people I could trust. I think that moment we shared as children is still influencing my life today because I don't doubt for a second that my brother would be there for me no matter what I was going through. He is someone I can depend on. He is the main male role model I have had in my life and the bond we share has gotten me through a lot of tough times. Through my parents I have learned what an unhealthy relationship looks like and that children should never be involved in the arguments of a divorce. As an adult I have been able to put all the hurt of the past behind me and I have very close relationships with both my parents.
Adolescent
This is a time period I really don't discuss with a lot of people. I was a rebellious teenager and I made a lot of mistakes. My relationships were always hidden and kept secret from my family. I always wanted to date older men and put myself in a lot of dangerous situations. I chose my friends poorly and I liked to party. Along with being secretive I was also very manipulative. I hid things from my family and manipulated evidence and facts to make it look like I was an innocent, hard working teenager. I started ditching school my sophomore year but by my junior year I skipped class nearly every day. I was able to stay in school by having friends drop assignments off to my teachers without ever showing up. In my adolescent years I would say my biggest struggles were with my relationships, both friends and lovers.
My struggles in adolescence affected me well into adulthood. I never really experienced a healthy relationship until my mid-twenties. I often found myself in abusive and unhealthy relationships and I would stay with the same person for years. I think my search for love also goes back to the uncertainty of my childhood as well as poor choices in my adolescence. I remember discussing my boyfriend history with my brother once and he pointed out to me that I couldn't find a good guy because I was still looking in all the wrong places and accepting all the wrong offers. He also taught me that attractiveness is a very small part of what makes up a healthy and rewarding relationship. The one relationship issue that I occasionally still struggle with is trust. It is hard for me to believe that I am being genuinely loved and appreciated. I know now how to recognize negative and positive qualities, and which qualities are important to a healthy relationship, but I often doubt myself. However, I truly believe every moment of pain and struggle I went through has shaped me into the person I have become. I am very proud of the things I have accomplished. My future is based on helping others and adding positivity to the world. I had to rebuild my adult life from the bottom up and without my struggles I wouldn't be able to help another person do the same thing.
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